Southern Observations

These are things I’ve learned about life while living in the south. The inspiration for this is The Skippy List which are things he learned in the US Army. Oddly enough we both served in the same unit in the army but at different times.

I will add to this list as I discover new things.

Things I’ve learned living in the south

  1. If you drive according to the rules of the road you’re a patsy and gonna get killed.  Nobody here pays attention to the rules. 
  2. When snow flurries are falling it is necessary to get in the left lane on a clear road and drive 10 MPH with your windshield wipers on high because fast moving wipers = better traction. 
  3. It never rains when you need it and it rains more than you need when you don’t want it. 
  4. I’m not sure, but I think Dueling Banjos is the state song.
  5. Is that noise under my double-wide coming from a varmint or a critter?
  6. The highway patrol will pull sneaky tricks to catch you going 5 MPH above the posted limit and pull you over but ignore the people traveling signifcantly faster than you are.
  7. Drivers will be very impatient to pass you and once they do will pull in front of you and reduce their speed by 30% ultimately driving slower than you were before they passed you.
  8. Southern politicians want to post the ten commandments in all public buildings but they can’t tell you what all ten are.
  9. Shaving the number of your favorite NASCAR Driver’s car into your back hair and running around without a shirt on is a great way to show your support for his team.
  10. Especially when shopping at Wal-Mart.
  11. When some guy says, “Hey, watch this!” it will be followed by some sort of calamity requiring medical intervention.
  12. Anytime you hear “Hey, watch this!” run for your life.
  13. Damn Yankee is one word.
  14. Anyone not native to the south is a Damnyankee.
  15. Gay is the new black.
  16. It is state law that mobile home owners must have a Trans-Am or Camaro up on blocks in front of their dwelling.
  17. That noxious weed growing everywhere is called Tobacco.
  18. You must drive slow in the rain but an ice covered road is the time to act like a NASCAR driver.
  19. The Civil War is still going strong even though it ended for the rest of the country over 140 years ago.
  20. Southerners will be polite to your face but stab you in the back when talking to other people.
  21. The four major food groups? Oil, fat, lard, and grease.
  22. Sugar is called iced tea.
  23. The regional mascot is the orange traffic barrel.
  24. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a liberal.
  25. Government must stay out of your life unless the purpose is to put religion into it.
  26. Squirrels make excellent pets… and an even better stew.

5 Responses to “Southern Observations”

  1. I love this list. Brilliant!

  2. Gay is the new black!!!!! THAT IS HYSTERICAL!!! And true unfortunately… wonder who will come next?

  3. I am from the South; and, outside of shopping at Wal-Mart and having a few, “Hey, watch this!” moments myself, I am not like this. Bigotry of any sort is still bigotry.

  4. My cynical self is thinking you’re calling me a bigot, but how do you feel about non-southerners?

    Frankly, there are enough mirrors for all of us to look into.

    PS, my entire paternal side is technically southern, being Okies and all.

  5. Love number 25 ….

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