Things I learned last week

  1. If you go to a bar and get drunk, don’t start a fight.  The other patrons tend to get stabby.
  2. After you’ve been stabbed at the bar and you end up in the emergency room, do not tell the staff that you’re a “social drinker” if you come in with a Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC) of 0.16.  Especially if you don’t want them to laugh at you.
  3. Doctors will over anticipate the amount of work they need to do when you go into surgery for a stab wound.  They will think they need to remove your spleen, do a bowel resection, and possibly a couple other things, but when they get inside during the exploratory laproscopy they will only discover that you have a scratch on your diaphragm.
  4. Do you really need a chest tube for a scratch on your diaphragm?
  5. White clouds, green trees, dark smoke, ground fire, and chocolate for the heart is the proper way to attach a telemetry device to your patient.  Probably because most people are too stupid to remember white on the top, green on the bottom, black on the top, red on the bottom, and brown over the heart.
  6. Nurses with a type-A personality are highly effective in getting all their objectives met, but everyone thinks they are a huge jerk.
  7. If your clinical instructor has not sent you home for being late, and your fellow classmate notes they have “Late ?” noted next to their name on the roster that day, odds are they are not in trouble.  Don’t argue with the instructor, or I’ll laugh at you and say, “If it was a problem, do you think you’d be standing here right now?”
  8. When I have patients I should be able to communicate with because they are native speakers of English, they will be in a coma.  When I have patients that are verbal and alert, they will speak some language I’ve never heard of.
  9. Apparently all male nurses are put on this earth to randomly fondle the breasts of their female patients.  So the female patients will almost always initially refuse allowing you to place the leads on their telemetry device.
  10. Apparently all male nurses are put on this earth to randomly fondle the genitals of their male patients because they get some sort of thrill out of handling a 90-year old penis, so those patients will initially refuse allowing you to change their “brief” (diaper) because all a male nurse wants to do is play with the guy parts of their male patient.

3 Responses to “Things I learned last week”

  1. Too soon old and too late smart. I hope you are feeling better. At least now you have a war wound to show everybody. It could have been so much worse. Be careful. Ted

  2. I wasn’t the one that got stabbed. It was my personal observation while working in the hospital.

    Thanks for your concern though. 😉

  3. OMG! I am such a stupid old man. Of course you didn’t get stabbed. I’m so dumb. Please accept my apology for being such a fool. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted me to comment again. Sorry! Ted

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