What happened.

It’s been a trying couple of weeks, and I’ve been thinking about what to say about the actual issues that came up, but I’m still struggling for an answer.  Frankly, I know the result and that is what I am forced to live with, but have no idea what I could have done to create a different outcome than that which is prompting this explanation.

It wasn’t a job loss and it wasn’t contracting an incurable disease, though I’ve already been through something like that and this is oddly more stressful.

While it all started around September 8, everything came to a head last Tuesday (September 16) which turned out to be one of the best and at the same time worst days of my life.  The good: I officially finished my Itialian citizenship process when my Italian passport arrived – I am free to move to Europe (well, the EU) should I desire to do so.  The bad: P has decided that he does not want or need me to move to Arizona – something I’ve been preparing to do for the past year.

It’s the last part that sent me into a tailspin.  I had no clue this was coming but I think the downward spiral began on September 8.  I received a phone call that P came to recognize he was abusing alcohol and that he needed to enter a treatment program.  OK, shocking, but I accepted it and did my best to support the decision.  I didn’t see it coming, but people with such issues do a great job of hiding it from families and friends.  So, if P decided there was an issue, then there was and issue and I was going to be a dutiful partner and support his efforts to kick this problem.

That was working fine for two days until the day he wrote me an e-mail telling me that he didn’t want to talk to me until 5-6 days later and not to contact him.  He also said he didn’t want me to contact his family (he had not told them about this) and to just wait.

I. Lost. It.   That was the day that I said I would be going away for a while. Because I was given no guidelines for how to react to this situation.  P said nothing, and his treatment center left me flapping in the breeze.  I was alone.

Something I’ve discovered and am frankly appalled at is that treatment centers for any given addiction are great at helping the person in treatment but doing ABSOLUTELY nothing for the family surrounding the patient.  This is something I really think needs to change.  They recognize the illness of the person they are helping, but not realizing that this person has left a path of destruction in their wake and that while the family does not want to know the specifics of their loved ones treatment program, they do need some sort of fucking clue how they need to respond to it.

I talked with another person that had a family member go through such and once I listened to what they had to say I calmed significantly.

I waited the 5-6 days and got a phone call from P last Tuesday.  The conversation started off with my listening to him to see what he needed to say.  At this point, I was still very supportive of his treatment.  That was, until I found out he had blown me off only to spend those days talking to his family.

This spoke VOLUMES about what he thought of me.  I wasn’t happy and gave him a chance to explain it, though I told him that his actions spoke louder than words and I pretty much knew where I stood.

Then he said I needed to get help.  Um.. excuse me?  I’m not the one that has had not only one, but two different addictions I’ve had to kick in my life.  I’m also not the one that had four different jobs in three years.  Somehow, though I am negative and cynical, I dont’ think I’m the one needing professional help.

Then he lowered the boom after he kept being indecisive and my insisting he tell me what he wanted.  My view was he created this shit-storm, he wasn’t going to get off easy.  He had to decide what was going to happen, because I wasn’t going to sit around forever waiting for an answer.

So, he ended the relationship.

To which I feel like the victim.  I planned the past year to move to Arizona to be with him (I would have preferred the Northwest, but acquiesced to his desire), I sold 2/3 of my household items to consolidate the household, and I am in the process of selling the house so that I could join him.

He moved out to Arizona, started moving his life out there forward (which I found hard, but understood), and then decided to throw me out like yesterdays news.

Then he told me to stop being a victim.  Fuck that.  I am a victim and feel justified about what I feel.  I’m a victim because he ruined his own life and at the same time  ruined mine by building up my hope for finally getting out of Conservative Hell, making me feel like I was having something positive happen in my life for a change and thinking I was going to be closer to my family.

He took that all away in one week.

So now I’m here wondering what’s next.  Frankly I’m trying to put a positive spin on it.  I have many different directions I could go, and it’s good that I can do it on my own and without a drug and alcohol addict holding me down.

Am I hurt?  Yes.  Am I a victim?  Yes.  Am I going to let this hold me down?  No fucking way.

In hindsight, his dumping is the best thing that could have happened.  So thanks P, you’ve liberated me, and I hope you get the help you need, but please don’t go fucking up the life of someone else like you did mine.  You took the cowards way out, you selfish prick and I think you understand there are consequences to your actions.


5 Responses to “What happened.”

  1. Hang in there! I’m with you, I’m very shocked. But like you said, in the end you don’t need shit like that. Regardless though…it hurts like hell. He was a total donkey dick to do that to you. Besides, you’re way more awesome than he can ever be 🙂

    I’ll be getting in touch with you soon. In the mean time, be strong. Hang in there. And remember you have a lot of people who adore you. Oh and a pass out of this country! 🙂

    love you! *hugs*

  2. I here that the Northwest is lovely this time of year. Seattle is the emerald city and with a Starbucks on every corner how could it go wrong? Count your blessings CQ, this guy could have waited until you got to phoenix to tell you he didn’t have the balls to stand up to his Homophobic family. An Alcoholic would not have been able to hide it from his closest friend. I think he used that to explain to his family why he had distanced himself from them. Reminds me of a Carly Simon classic: “You threw away the things you loved, and one of them was me, I had a dream there were clouds in my coffee.” Starbucks coffee that is, I wish you all the best and whatever you do I hope you dance to your own tune. You’re free at last, you’re free at last thank God almighty you’re free at last. Vote Obama on Nov. 4th.

  3. My heart goes out to you during this very difficult time. What a shock!

    You are working through your hurt and anger; in fact, you have already begun the process in microcosm in this blog post.

    The end-result is: you can now go anywhere you please. I do hope you move West. It’s definitely more progressive here. From my extensive travels I know what it’s like where you live, and it’s NOT conducive to folks like us.

    I wish you all the best during this period of adjustment. It feels awful right now, but time really does heal all wounds. Easy for ME to say, I know, but it is true.

    Thank you for sharing with us what’s been going on.

  4. Gee Cameron – do you and your man need a cabana boy? You know, someone to help you keep your tux pressed for your gigs and to help get the wood split for the winter, and in between all these chores bring you a martini or margarita? 🙂

  5. Actually, we DO need someone! James is finding himself overwhelmed with all the construction and handyman projects which need doing around here (I’m glad to help but I’m not NATURALLY handy in this way).

    How about coming out for a visit and “auditioning”?


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