Suicide Bomber Destroys Conservative Hell Federal Courthouse

By CYNICAL QUEER, Cynical News Writer

CONSERVATIVE HELL – The federal courthouse in Conservative Hell was destroyed by Osama bin Laden today in an apparent suicide bomb attack. When asked about the ability of this well-known world figure to gain entry to the courthouse undetected, Department of Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff said, “We had the best security the money available could buy, but since Osama bin Laden was born before December 1, 1964 he did not have a Real-ID and was able to slip past our security wearing tattered robes a backpack full of explosives. Since Mr. bin Laden is older than 50 years he is not required to have a Real-ID, so nobody saw him coming. ”

Earlier in the day, Buzzy Malkowicz was denied entry to the courthouse for his court ordered appearance because he had not yet obtained a Real-ID. He presented his United States passport to the security screener but was told that the document is not secure enough to permit entry to federal property.

The judge in his case has since held him in contempt of court, levied a fine of $100,000, and ordered him jailed for failure to appear. Mr. Malkowicz was dressed in an Armani suit and highly polished shoes.

When secretary Chertoff was asked why Mr. Malkowicz was denied entry, though he posed no real threat to the premises, he said, “The citizen in question was born after December 1, 1964 and was required to have a Real-ID to obtain entry to the building. His United States passport has been determined by the department to not be secure enough to serve as a valid identification document to enter secured federal buildings.”

End of fake article.

I find this real-ID initiative to be completely ludicrous. Just take this line from the article the link above goes to:

The over-50 exemption was created to give states more time to get everyone new licenses, and officials say the risk of someone in that age group being a terrorist, illegal immigrant or con artist is much less.

First, let me state that I think the Real-ID is one more in a long line of examples of the Bush administration taking away our civil liberties. But to formally declare that all citizens under the age of 50 years are a terrorist threat? Sheesh!

I hate to point this out, but US public enemy #1 is Osama bin Laden, and he’s older than fifty years. This is another shining example of doing something that amounts to nothing. Oh, and if a jihadist is determined enough to carry out his mission, he’ll simply get an authentic ID, and carry out his deed. This ID thing isn’t going to make anyone, or anything, more secure.

Real-ID is a hoax, but if you’re going to do it, make EVERYONE do it simultaneously.

I give up!

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One Response to “Suicide Bomber Destroys Conservative Hell Federal Courthouse”

  1. I see absofuckinglutly no reason to require the over 50 bunch to have an ID! Everybody knows we would never con anybody or try to control the Government. Wait, isn’t Bushie over 50? He is over there waving a red flag in the leader of Iran’s face and daring him to attack so Bushie can declare Martial Law and do away with elections. Hey it worked for that Pakistani guy.
    We have become a facist regime. A smart man once said that when Facism comes to America it will be waving a flag and carrying a cross. Soon those under 50 will have to show their papers before they will be allowed to sneeze then after 2017 we’ll all have to bow to the powers and show our “Letters of Transit” before doing anything. So, if you need any dirty work done you’ll have to hurry I ain’t gettin’ any younger. This would be so fucking funny if it wasn’t so true.

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