The Titanic has finally arrived

A couple weeks ago I wrote about how ticked I am that the Department of Veterans Affairs managed to lose my personal information along with 26.5 million of my peers.

Today I received a letter from the Secretary of Veterans Affairs which was forwarded to me and the 26.5 million others by the IRS of all places and it’s dated MAY 2006, um.. lesse… It’s the middle of June, I’m so glad I was notified a month and a half ago when it happened. I’m guessing it was forwarded by the IRS as the department of Veterans Affairs is very good at losing your information but not knowing your actual address. Much like the Department of Motor Vehicles in the Commonwealth of Conservative Morons, the IRS is very good at knowing your current address, but doing nothing to help you with your questions.

This letter included an insert titled, “Answers to Frequently Asked Questions” to help alleviate our concerns. I am going to now present you the 8 questions as they appear on the letter, but I am going to provide my own answers to them instead of the answer the VA provided.

1. I’m a Veteran, how can I tell if my information was compromised?

This is quite simple, if we had it, it has been compromised. We are a bunch of idots and should all be fired. However, since the beginning of the reign of King George I, business is no longer responsible for making sure they are extending credit to the person actually sitting in front of them and not some thief. This movement of stolen money is good for the economy, so just bend over and take it.

2. What is the earliest date at which suspicious activity might have occurred due to this data breach?

Approximately three weeks before our cover-up of the theft was noticed by the media. We had no intention of ever telling you.

3. I haven’t noticed any suspicious activity in my financial statements, but what can I do to protect myself and prevent being victimized by credit card fraud or identity theft?

Do nothing. Stolen identities and stolen money are good for the economy.

4. Should I reach out to my financial institutions or will the Department of Veterans Affairs do this for me?

You’re on your own. We fucked you as hard as we could so we see no reason for the VA to provide you with the courtesy of a reach-around. Oh, you said reach out… well we’re still not helping. Suckers!

5. Where should I report suspicious activity?

Which part of our answers to questions 1 and 3 did you not understand?

6. I know the Department of Veterans Affairs maintains my health records electronically; was this information also compromised?

Not yet, but if it can be compromised you can be certain we’re doing our best to make sure it happens.

7. What is the department of Veterans Affairs doing to ensure that this does not happen again?

It doesn’t really matter if we do anything now, does it? We already gave it away and you’ll never get that genie back in the bottle. As a matter of fact we’re going to burn all this data to 5,000 CD’s and decorate the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas Tree with them in November.

As for actual steps we are taking to safeguard the information – we are outsourcing the protection of this data to our satellite office in Nigeria.

8. Where can I get further, up-to-date information?

From Fox News as they are on our side. Don’t watch CNN, MSNBC, or any other news source as they will likely notice our attempts to cover-up the release of anything relevant or useful to you.


3 Responses to “The Titanic has finally arrived”

  1. Your comments are so hilarious and well thought out. Unfortunatly, they are also so very, very true. Oh yes, according to a report on CNN, your health records were also compromised.

  2. The VA didn’t have much in the way of medical records for me anyhow. I’ve never used a VA facility for health care and I don’t plan to. I’ll go see a witch doctor first.

  3. […] I wrote about this two times previously.  The last was when I received a letter from the VA regarding the previous incident.  You may remember I posted their question in original form and gave my own answers.  It appears that #6 on my list is no longer a joke.  Here it is and if you want to see the whole list use the link at the beginning of this paragraph. […]

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