Things I hate about the South – the natives never grow-up

The University of Conservative Hell won the national college basketball championship. OK, I’m fine with that, but is it necessary to have special news coverage of the homecoming pep rally on every station in the state? I was really surprised that this pre-empted the current favorite show of the news media, Pope Watch.

I’m not kidding about the coverage. We got to see the team from the moment they touched down at Capitol City airport. Once they departed the terminal we got to follow them by helicopter up the interstate from the airport to the campus. After that we got to see the hour-long pep rally at the Arena.

I think the problem here is that if you didn’t go to CH State, UCH-Theocracy Hill, or Regional Private University you are nothing in Conservative Hell. This holds true for sports fans, hiring practices, and politics. It’s insane! The natives actually follow this stuff more carefully than NASCAR. It’s scary.

When I was finished with college, I was finished. I don’t plan on being some 50-year old loser that has to sit around and reminisce about my glory days of getting laid and chugging beer at the fraternities/sororities. Is this another symptom of the good ‘ole boy network I spoke about last week? I wish these nitwits would just grow up.

These folks would probably try to host the summer Olympics and use the local Sheetz as the equestrian center, run the marathon around the beltline (the loop freeway in CH Capitol City), and host the swimming events in the local river (I hope the swimmers can out swim water moccasins). What to use for the Olympic flame? How about lighting a pile of car tires, in the shape of the Olympic rings, on fire? Of course, the opening and closing ceremonies would be at the UCH basketball arena.


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